At this point in my life is not only the title of this particular blog article but also happens to be the title of one of my favorite Tracy Chapman songs, which seems to be part of the soundtrack of my life right now. And at this point in my life, I’m reshaping the very attitude of how I go about things. Not many things right now are how I’d like them to be but then again, no one ever promised that shit was going to be fair or easy. One thing that is very clear to me right now is that I need to do some things differently and one of them is love. I know we all think we don’t have any control over who we love and to some extent that is true and if love were truly all that mattered then many of us would be fine. We could deal with crap behavior and be fine with it, but it isn’t. I think many of us approach love in the wrong direction and by that I mean we get caught up in how physically attracted we are to someone and explore that area first then let those sexual vibes move to the heart and then maybe move along to the head (intellect), but let’s be honest, by the time that shit gets to the head it doesn’t always make sense!
One thing I realized in the past few months is that trust was never really on the table for me in relationships. I spent my formative years at the hands of people, mainly family, who I didn’t trust and yet I had relationships with them we lived together and had to rely on them, so I never really paid much attention when someone’s actions and words didn’t match. Well I’ve wasted too much precious time hanging around people who didn’t really want me, but only kept me around for their convenience, whatever that motivating factor was for them. I’m too old for that shit! It’s now time to start making decisions that a person who believes they are worthy would make. When you smell shit just know there’s probably shit really close by even though you can’t actually see it. I suggest checking behind the sofa.
So, gone are the days of someone telling me one thing and doing something completely different, I don’t want to hear pretty romantic words wrapped in lethargic action with no meaningful declaration or acknowledgement. Gone are the days of kissing someone who keeps their eyes open so they can scan the room for who might be watching. Gone are the days when I love someone hard, only to get someone who is still on the fence about me. Gone are the days of someone being uncomfortable with holding my hand in public. Gone are the days of having to concern myself with what the fuck they are up to when my head is turned. Gone are the days of surrounding myself with people who think in terms of “this OR that” instead of “this AND that.” Gone are the days of waiting for someone else’s life to straighten out and for the sweet angel of perfection to arrive so that I might have a bigger crumb off their love pie.
Right now not much in my life is the picture of what I want it to be but at least I’m not being smothered by apathy and lack of appreciation. I am working to craft a life that I want to live and I’m going to craft it by what I want in my life, NOT by what I don’t want. It was a huge realization recently that when asked “what do you want” I could name off a thousand things I didn’t want in my life. Now I’ve got the wonderful challenge of sitting back and truly asking myself “what do you want?” And I will imagine what I want in great detail. One thing I know for sure that I want is a committed and romantic love. I want that soul shaking, deep intellectual stimulation, Jesus I just found the other side of my brain and my best friend and playmate kinda love.
I want someone who realizes that being loved by me is a gift and enjoys receiving that gift daily as I would also feel that about him. I want someone who sees being in a relationship with me as a joy and not an obligation or chore. The other thing I know for sure I want is to write and I want to write things that touch, move, and inspire others. Why? Because there is enough hate in the world and no one needs anymore of that, so stay tuned….good things are definitely coming, but either way I’m happy to share the journey of being a mere mortal with you. Some days will be good, some days will definitely suck a shit but I’ll not hide any of it from you. I won’t give you the gloss without the grit. You got my promise on that! Peace, Wellsie.