I just don’t know what to do with myself.

img_0068Sad songs sung in a drunken stupor while you cry your face off, boring your friends to death with the mundane details of your relationship as you try to fill up that empty space left by their absence, and all the chocolate eaten in an effort to drown out your pain. The stages of a breakup are fairly predictable.

However, for me I feel like I’m walking on another planet. Normally when I go through a break up, well normal from my historical point of view, after I’ve broken up with someone because the relationship no longer works and honestly I can’t stand the sight of their face, the process is usually not long lived. I really wish that was true now. Many of my relationships I’ve held men at arm’s length and therefore at an emotional distance. Normally the person I’m the most angry with after my break up is ME, for staying so long for something so pointless and putting up with stupid bullshit.

I SO wish that was this break up; but it isn’t and this is all brand new for me.  YAY ME.  Six years ago, quite out of the blue, I met the man of my dreams. Literally my dreams. We got along better than I had ever got on with anyone. As we spent more time together we realized we were basically sharing the same brain. During many conversations we would say the same thing at the same time and in the same way often times, and this would happen with stuff that wasn’t part of the regular conversation; meaning that we’d both go off on a similar tangent at the same time. We had so much in common it was scary. We discovered after about 4 1/2 years together that we both shared a weird eating habit, we both ate peanuts from the bag whole….shell and all.

We actually reveled in finding things that we didn’t have in common and most of that was trivial stuff like me not being a huge fan of Twizzlers or Scotch eggs, no biggie.  We traveled well together, worked well together and our sex life was off the hook!  However the main difference we had was that he couldn’t take a stand for us and swift decisive action wasn’t his strong suit. And when I say “wasn’t his strong suit” I mean he avoided it like a gay man avoids going downtown on the V train! Oh snap.

Even being asked to set a timeline for when something he said he wanted would happen was impossible, so now here we are….not talking, which is torture considering how often I spoke to him which was several times a day every day! And I’m still deeply in love with him and would love nothing more than to be near him. Now what?  Seriously I have no idea what to do.

The pain in my heart and stomach feels as if it will crush me, sometimes making breathing difficult. I usually wake up crying. The only contact I have is checking WhatsApp and seeing when he looked at it last. That’s my only comfort but my fear is that the day I dread will come, the day he doesn’t look at WhatsApp at all.

The color in my life has drained out. Honestly right now I just want to huddle down in my bed and not leave the house. EVER. Thoughts running through my head at lightening speed which is hard to tell from the dead look in my eyes, but trust me it’s all there. I fight the urge all day every day to reach for the phone to tell his something. It’s like there’s been a death and in a sense there has been.

I was just never able to effectively communicate how his lack of action made me feel or maybe I did and he just didn’t care. He didn’t seem to understand that his hesitation made me feel like he didn’t really want to be with me and I’m sure some men would actually say “yep that’s exactly what that means.” Because if I’ve known anything about men it’s this…THEY GO AFTER WHAT THEY WANT. PERIOD!

Of course whenever we go through times like these we always think that our love is out there ripping it up and having a great time, talking to new people who aren’t putting demands on them, and of course they are always having the most amazing sex ever! We never envision them home sitting on their sofa eating pints of Ben & Jerry’s crying their eyes out over us or drunk and listening to sad songs. Oh no.

I don’t know what’s going to happen but I know that it couldn’t go on the way it had been. We only had one major hangup but boy it was a doozy! I’d hate to think that what he has now is what he actually prefers, but now I have to have my own “come to Jesus moment” and realize it is!  Besides this isn’t an episode of Sex & the City or Pretty Woman, there won’t be an grand displays of affection and change of heart and action.  As Tina Turner said “what’s love got to do with it?”  Apparently not much.

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